Emotional days

My life is good.  It really is.  I have a wonderful family, 2 great kids, a home, food, basically everything I need.  But every once in a while I’ll see something and it’ll strike me “damn, that would have been nice.”  Usually it’s a vacation or something someone had and it’s just a fleeting thought that’s gone almost as quickly as it popped up.

Sometimes, though, I’ll see very young children (usually 6 or younger) doing something… singing, dancing, talking, having fun, being social basically… and remember the things I was excited about when I first had Riley.  All the experiences we didn’t get together.

Today is one of those days.  I was watching tv and saw 2 little girls just being chatty and excited and having a great time and suddenly I just burst into tears.   So sometimes I have to let myself go.  I have to give myself freedom to miss what I had anticipated but never got.

Then, after a while, I can refocus on the amazing girl I did get.  Her experiences as a little girl are different but no less valid.   It’s ok that we spent more time in speech and OT than … heck, I don’t even know what we would have done instead!  Isn’t that funny?  I can’t think of anything to put there 🙂

Life is hard enough without having autism and I am sad for her that her life has to be that much harder.  I’ll do anything I can to help her develop to her fullest.  I hope she can live independently one day.  I don’t know how independent she’ll be.  But she’s only 9.  No hurry 🙂  I’ve a feeling it wouldn’t help her any to let her know I have these thoughts so I hope it only happens while she’s at school and I can be ready to celebrate her day with her when she gets home.  She could be having “the best day ever” for all I know and I certainly don’t want to be the one to spoil it!

I cherish every moment I spend with my baby girl, even when she’s high maintenance.  She’s wonderful and I want to help her grow and develop but I wouldn’t want her to change for anything!


Posted on March 1, 2012, in Autism, PDD-NOS, Riley, Sherry. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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