My life is good. It really is. I have a wonderful family, 2 great kids, a home, food, basically everything I need. But every once in a while I’ll see something and it’ll strike me “damn, that would have been nice.” Usually it’s a vacation or something someone had and it’s just a fleeting thought that’s gone almost as quickly as it popped up.
Sometimes, though, I’ll see very young children (usually 6 or younger) doing something… singing, dancing, talking, having fun, being social basically… and remember the things I was excited about when I first had Riley. All the experiences we didn’t get together.
Today is one of those days. I was watching tv and saw 2 little girls just being chatty and excited and having a great time and suddenly I just burst into tears. So sometimes I have to let myself go. I have to give myself freedom to miss what I had anticipated but never got.
Then, after a while, I can refocus on the amazing girl I did get. Her experiences as a little girl are different but no less valid. It’s ok that we spent more time in speech and OT than … heck, I don’t even know what we would have done instead! Isn’t that funny? I can’t think of anything to put there 🙂
Life is hard enough without having autism and I am sad for her that her life has to be that much harder. I’ll do anything I can to help her develop to her fullest. I hope she can live independently one day. I don’t know how independent she’ll be. But she’s only 9. No hurry 🙂 I’ve a feeling it wouldn’t help her any to let her know I have these thoughts so I hope it only happens while she’s at school and I can be ready to celebrate her day with her when she gets home. She could be having “the best day ever” for all I know and I certainly don’t want to be the one to spoil it!
I cherish every moment I spend with my baby girl, even when she’s high maintenance. She’s wonderful and I want to help her grow and develop but I wouldn’t want her to change for anything!