May angst

Every year for as long as I can remember, May has been a difficult month for me.  This year it seems to be hitting me particularly hard.  Even when I was a little girl and unable to identify the problem, I was always just more emotional in May.  You see, my birthday is in May.  And this year I turn 40.

40.  What does that mean.  My walk here on Earth is probably halfway done.  (Genetically speaking, my family doesn’t hit 80 gracefully).  I could very well have more years behind me than ahead of me and I feel I haven’t accomplished half of what I set out to do with my life.  I’m easily distracted and love detours!  Most of it’s been great.  Some of it I could have done without.  But it’s all been part of this amazing, meandering journey!

This journey has taken me from the pits of Texas to the paradise of southern California, from the icescapes of Wisconsin to the countless waiting rooms that define the parent of a special needs child.  Possibly my single biggest skill is waiting.  As a military wife I waited for orders, for phone calls, for deployments to begin and end, for 72 hour shifts to end, for furniture to be moved in on Christmas Eve.  As a special needs parent I wait for reports from schools, reports from therapists and doctors, appointments, diagnoses, first steps (17 months old), first words (5 years old), end of a session so we can go.  I’m an expert at waiting.

But this year isn’t just about another birthday or marking the beginning of a new decade.  No, for me this year marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life.  I haven’t told many people this yet but for those who have heard, or suspected, it’s true.  Jeff and I have reached a point where it is time for us to travel independently.  There are many reasons; however, what truly matters is we are and want to remain great friends, even if being married is no longer right for us.

So here on the cusp of my 40th birthday I find myself starting over.  Not in the same way we all do every year but as an almost-divorced mother of two, a teenaged boy with Asperger’s and my little girl who still needs so much help.  Now is the time for me to stop waiting.  No more bi-annual moves, no more waiting for orders. There may be more diagnoses coming with my Rileybug but PT, OT, speech, behavioral analysis and regular therapy are already set up.

Please forgive me if I seem a tad more emotionally volatile than usual over the next few weeks.  I am OK, just adjusting to a lot of changes.  But change isn’t a bad thing!  It can be scary but who wants to live in a world full of caterpillars with no butterflies?  Soon I’ll emerge from this chrysalis and spread my wings!  I’m not asking for an easy transition, just a worthwhile one 🙂


Posted on May 22, 2012, in Asperger's, Autism, Jeff, PDD-NOS, Random Musings, Sherry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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