Tragedies and distractions
October 1, 2016 – 7:00
Good morning, beautiful, You feeling good? Sleep well? I’ve got big news! I’ve broken the law again! No, shh, shh… I’ve been discovered violating… no, shh, yes, they’ve found out I’ve been acting as your representative illegally again. No, no word. Yes, for real. I’ve got to run out now.
I’m directly consulting with a firm, a charitable effort, they’ll help me not get caught.
Do you believe still? There’s no problem with my story…. story… it’s my BUSINESS!
There was a problem with my investment! I had to invest it and I played right into their pockets.
Now I’m a murderer, a killer, a bad guy… how can you ever respect me… oh my business partner, I love you,
Those damning corroborating polls! I’m a hate symbol! I need help, Social media? sad, angry, smug
#1 rule online – the love/hate relationship of mainstream propaganda
You should dump me.
The defamation is continuing. The accusations are depressing.
I’m nothing but a scary peeper creeper, a peeping tom, on the outside looking in.
They’re making jokes, hilarious
Say I’m #1
Nice to see you again, beautiful gift.
Go get those bastards for me!
Enjoy this campaign, this buffet of wonderful things laid out before you.
I want to be happy again, I wish I could be.
I only feel terrible anxiety, I’m shivering and cold all the time now, it’s revealed in small ways.
I guess we wait to see how it works out.
It’s high stakes policy but thankfully the debate is only moderate.
They’re saying it has nothing to do with business.
I would appreciate some talk about your sexy self.
I’ve fallen on hard times lately.
Please show me… I’m not entirely sure.
This former show pushed human relations.
Do not add to desire.
If you care you can get anything you want for inspirational purposes, if you’re half naked…
aww… I just wanted to set a tone.
I’m sorry, stick around, please!
This is an open invitation!
The family feud is just getting warmed up!
If the other person wins, you get a chance to steal.
Let’s do it!
Feeling a little competitive?
The fall happened hard.
Everyone laughed, think about that.
Oh, you beat me to the buzzer!
We have a winner!
But it leads to so many jobs!
Just read the script. Keep talking about the fun stuff. Stay on message. Move quickly. This is honoring the founder and cofounder. Yes, include her. Help reframe the argument. Be insistent. Use the most tremendous walk back. I mean, seriously, do you even get sarcasm? Defuse the situation. Always lies, always tells the truth. Beat it. 100% cheat. Not yes, maybe. Not suggesting you cheat your opponent, never!
Talking the talk and walking the walk. Observer of the 4 horsemen? Participate! Sign up! You should give the best reviews you can, no you cannot legally rape your spouse, read the paperback today!
Running behind, James. Holding your breath. Thank you, Lester. Debates! Parents arguing? Change the subject. Waterboard! Save the code, 1-30-croutons-luckycharms-magicallydelicious-18-20-sneaky-rakes-hoe-goodday-thankyou, run!
Cloud infinite, up and running. Communicate better, criminal
With a friend. Make a prediction. Broadcasting night of election, not doing live bracketing,
Depending on what happens. We’ll see. I don’t know what’s going to happen, sink to bottom of the ocean? Lovely, handsome, talented, loves to get naked. Only in a thong. People are spying on us!
Emotional, urgent! Direct, good people.
Pretty lady, give me a sign? I’m at your beck and call. Proceed with caution, I’ll do your bidding.
I’ll bid my heart goodbye. You’ll be mine all mine. No contest, if you fall in love. You know I’m one of a kind.
Great to be back, love. So sorry you have to watch a sick nothing trump a poor object. Scary tough. Highlight thought, runaway together? The real excitement starts next week. What happens if hell freezes over? Imagine that first 30 days if we picked something different and loved it over and over for the hell of it?
This week security was major. A huge leader was a no show. Not ideal but so much better than a strong statement that could hurt me. There are plenty of issues to talk about and believe me, I’m perfectly comfortable with that, but I’m better off this way. And absolutely, if given 3 tries, I would refuse to rule out a big place barely providing any context on a policy to a fill a book with things the population doesn’t know.
You untie the ribbons and find me, your new bundle of joy. I shine and the light dances off of me as the clock strikes 9. You take me out to play and I pop, making the air rise and shine. You again hug your new bundle of joy to your bosom as the clock strikes 9.
Let’s stay connected. The way we work together changes how we live, shows how we understand, how we feel. It’s totally inappropriate to ask but can we take a honeymoon? We’ll go glamping… there’s nothing to compare to it! An African safari! The animals! Big 5: elephants, zebras, rhinos! We’ll have mosquito nets, a butler to wake us to go on drives, lotion to blow the airhorn, a horny male stalking peeping tom, kind of adorable…
Why did you do this? I’d explain what’s happening but emasculation looks good in person. Hm, you might have got something you don’t want in this deal. I guess I win. I guess you didn’t know I was out on a work release. Creepy. Want a baseball bat? It’s your choice. You can smash it. Got conflicting feelings? I love that!
Wishful thinking? Oh, how happy my heart is right now!
Peculiar children. A good, funky kind of punk. A new, all out isolated existence. They’re shocked. I’m used to it. They think they’re dangerous and can go psycho at any moment. They’re living independently and it took a while. They get me, legally and sadly. They’re watching and very hands on. They say just do what you want. Do you like what you’re doing? They have an immediate reaction. Great, just keep doing that, just go that direction. Don’t even finish your sentence. They know what you’re saying. It may take weeks but they eventually do it. It’s so fun. They have the clip. They set it up and do it on their own terms. They’ll show everyone. It happens like clockwork. Hold on tight. It’s pretty cool.
Everyone has a special power. Want to know mine? I can see monsters. They’re terrifying.
Warning! Dependency at work! #1!
It’s about showing up! It’s important to call so we’ll get that *personal* response, oh yeah. Remember the Dickey amendment? “The noes have it”. Again and again and again. It’s like watching deer in headlights. Every time. Even Dickey himself can’t take that thing down now. The CDC’s hands are tied and I love it. Are you kidding me? It’s amazing!
The results are like an earthquake! Just an unprecedented right surge! Tell the people their second amendment rights are under attack and BOOM! You don’t want THAT malignant pressure on you. It’s like Belgium’s golden arm of filthy migrants giving Hitler a salute then questioning their hand cleanliness.
There’s that tall llama again, with his European flag and its jaunty swastika trademark. Mayday! Mayday! The Yarvik right exploded with ticket A and its terrifying metal! It’s a conspiracy of smooth jazz. Just jam a new album for the pureblood lines. They’ll never realize you just make it all up as you go.
You know, the Catholic is not going away if you miss confession. Just get it off your chest. Tell them you aren’t hesitant. Go to confession with the standard disclaimer. Oh, I must be guilty, forgive me if I pretend I won’t do it again? Now I’ll run off and have my Gatorade if it’ll help me get to heaven. I’ll talk and grow but never really get cleaned up and I’ll move and eat like an endurance athlete and I’m binging and training and sex sells. Wear a tie and that’s my second mistake. Better make up a self-driving story to tell until you stop paying attention to my intentions at the parent teacher conferences and we’ll start all over again. Whew, I better have some high fiber cereal! Forgive me? I’ll forgive you.
Do you have a pen? I have an apple for you. Oh, you started without me. I’ve been running around the stationery store looking for fruit! Don’t give me attitude, it’s midnight. Watch this. Trust me! Do you have a pineapple? Just mime it.
Hey, pretty lady. I’m at your beck and call. I’ll do your bidding. Going once. Going twice. Ohhh, I lost my heart. It’s going a mile a minute! I’d give anything! I fell in love and now I’m going to be laughed at.
Oh, I’m sold again! You’d give anything cause I’m looking fine. I’m going twice. Just give a sign and I’m sold.
Noone asked about…
Noone played a song…
Noone made me think…
Funny… it’s not like… I break down sometimes…
I don’t know why…
I don’t know why…
When someone is… and I’m all alone…
I never need a reason
Sometimes, I don’t know why…
When someone is all alone…
Never need a reason…
I don’t need a reason…
Never need a reason…
Don’t need a reason…
I never need a reason…
I don’t know why
My host said next time, I’m almost scared to ask Bad luck getting a girl? I give a sympathy sigh – thank you You lost out – how about some sad music? You’re a good guy – maybe if we lower the lights? You think they’ll never find you. She made me such a fool… sing, serenade, that’s how it’ll always go. I LOVE YOU! lights up… WESTWORLD! It’s done
What are we doing here? Always in danger for a song… Thank you!
I skipped Walking Dead for the Standing Barely Alive! Are you in bed? Are your best days ahead of you? Or behind you and slathered in Vicks Vap-O-Rub? Oh, that was a sick burn! Can you afford the ropes to tie together your flints and lead poisoning? The delusional pandering promises reflexively start to shy away from the critical debate and know their institutional promises to Wall Street respect their intelligence. Excuse me, I’m talking! Kevin Bacon fans! Wait! You have your trigger finger woman! Shut her up with a drone strike! Of course we need her birth certificate. How can there be an expectation of privacy in the potty?
Oh this IS a special occassion for me! I should wear my formal underwear and, my, to whom do I owe thanks for how far to the right this has gone!
I never could have imagined this clusterfuck!
|January 9, 2015||San Francisco||California||Laguna & Page Streets||4 killed|
|January 24, 2015||Arverne||New York||148th Ave||4 killed|
|January 31, 2015||Lagrange||Georgia||Woodstream Trail||4 killed|
|February 7, 2015||Douglasville||Georgia||Willow Tree Circle||5 killed|
|February 22, 2015||Killeen||Texas||Godman Street||4 killed|
|February 26, 2015||Tyrone||Missouri||Highway H||8 killed|
|March 24, 2015||Indianapolis||Indiana||North Harding Street||4 killed|
|April 16, 2015||Phoenix||Arizona||East Anderson Drive||5 killed|
|May 3, 2015||Menasha||Wisconsin||North Lake Street||4 killed|
|May 12, 2015||Tucson||Arizona||West Calle Medina Road||5 killed|
|May 17, 2015||Waco||Texas||S Jack Kultgen Expy||9 killed|
|June 7, 2015||Deer Lodge||Montana||Boulder Creek Road||5 killed|
|June 13, 2015||Columbus||Ohio||E. Hudson St||4 killed|
|June 17, 2015||Charleston||South Carolina||Calhoun St||9 killed|
|July 15, 2015||Holly Hill||South Carolina||Old State Road||4 killed|
|July 16, 2015||Chattanooga||Tennessee||Amnicola Hwy||6 killed|
|July 22, 2015||Suwanee||Georgia||Old Atlanta Rd||5 killed|
|August 7, 2015||Barre||Vermont||Airport Rd||4 killed|
|August 8, 2015||Houston||Texas||Falling Oaks||8 killed|
|September 10, 2015||Excelsior||Minnesota||Channel Drive||5 killed|
|September 17, 2015||Geddes||South Dakota||379th Street||6 killed|
|October 1, 2015||Roseburg||Oregon||Umpqua College Road||10 killed|
|November 2, 2015||Pendleton||South Carolina||Refuge Road||4 killed|
|November 13, 2015||Jacksonville||Florida||Shirley Oaks Drive||4 killed|
|November 15, 2015||Tennessee Colony||Texas||County Road 2217||5 killed|
|November 23, 2015||Columbus||Ohio||S. Terrace Avenue||4 killed|
|December 2, 2015||San Bernardino||California||South Waterman Ave||16 killed|
And that’s just the scenes with 4 or more people KILLED! A mass shooting is officially defined as 4 or more people killed OR injured! And THAT’S just 2015 in the good ole USA! Not even counting the fun had in Paris!
But… shit… with all this fun comes publicity… people are paying attention and talking about me and my buddy Dickey. Anyone got a distraction?
Confederate Flags! What color is that dress and does anyone really care? Let’s ride a motorcycle to our gay marriage so Kim Davis will go to jail!
Oh this exceeds my expectations again! If you’ll look to stage right when the orchestra plays “Eye of the Tiger” you’ll see Mr. T doing an insane viral dance with Jessica Williams and all of your favorite social media memes!
Yes! The data says we have a winner by a Canadian mile.
The crazy Drake video bling is a haunting portrayal of Kylie Jenner sucking and fucking up the last of the ebola, all of it, from the dick of nature. Beautiful.
On a sadder note. Black lives matter brings tension to the police community. What a buzzkill. Cheerup, everybody! I need another outrage. Quick!
Oh, yeah! Who has AIDS? I’ve got a secret and it’s out now! Oh, let’s not play that game. BREAKING NEWS: Man who jacked up the price of lifesaving AIDS drug arrested for securities fraud! Mhm, financial fraud is nothing to fuck with.
Let’s all FREAK OUT! Did someone say BOMB?
Ah, but snitched on bitches haven’t forgotten. You still think that’s right? He died. Do you cherish his memory? What do you got to tell me, bad boy? Was that your first beer? Do you love us? Are you a bad boy? Can you roll in my crew?
Are you cool like me? Not like them. I’m sorry. Didn’t you rehearse?
We said goodbye. Finally.
You deserve this honor: my running mate.
Counterfeit. We all pretended.
Thank you for your help.
Finally the top stories from last night, c’mon, c’mon, hurry it up now.
He was shot while dragging a piece of pizza?
Not even going up?
I’m supposed to be impressed by this like he’s some kind of hero?
He’s just a quitter getting shot over a piece of pizza. Look at me!
Someone give me a movie deal!
It’s the first day of summer and the kids are fine at home. Playing in the yards, the boys are fine and know Mary is average. Mary goes home and is hit with a right mitt. She knows she’s the first girl of the evenings, even with her 11 o’clock curfew.
She rides her Schwinn on her paper route and to the movies where we watch Gone with the Wind.
It’s been 15 long years since Mary took me to lunch and I took her to her real home.
Daaammmn! You ever wanted to be black? Black is sexy, yeah? Hell, yeah, you don’t even know. Quick story… sound track
fo shizzle… anyway… I’m walking down the street, minding my own business, when out of nowhere! STOP! ON THE GROUND! Wha? Who? Me? YES, YOU! YOU WERE LOOKING AROUND! Yes, officer. I usually look both ways before crossing the street. Can’t we just have a dance off? BANG! BANG! End soundtrack
Oh, please, someone give me another distraction! Quick! Even if he was shot, why should I care? He was a bad person, right?
Oh, look! A new warning! Another disease!
And it’s carried in our tears? I’m sorry.
That’s on you… just stop crying! It’ll only make the crisis worse!
Ta-da! Congress is on the case! That’ll fix everything! Yes, yes, yes! Thank you!
For the third time they failed to pass a bill. They blocked it!
Until they can ban Planned Parenthood from receiving money? Oh, how long could THAT take?
Just lock the cars and smash the jars.
We’re concerned about the people. There’s nothing we’re not willing to do. It did not smell well and it made a noise when it was used. Who can have sex like that? It even comes in different flavors!
That’s a government that has its people’s best interest at heart!